SO they found ANOTHER surprise near the lymph nodes. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lymph_node in case you wanted to know. Is anyone even reading this? Guess I'm just another person yelling into a thunderstorm at this point I suppose. So be it. It wouldn't be too far removed from my RL. It feels like people hear me but still don't hear me. I try to hear other people and do my best to actually listen, digest, process and the offer what little advice I can. Some people might think how can I give advice on a situation I have never been in perhaps. Good reasoning but having NOT been in a given situation and seeing it form the outside gives someone a different perspective. This perspective might help the other person to come to a decision ( for good OR bad) that they might never have come up with in the first place. +1 for me I guess.
Back to the situation. She is going to have a talk with a surgeon on thursday. Most likely she will need a breast removed or both if they find something else. She will get a Nancy Reagan then. Maybe. Fuck off DNA. Lucky for her, her father's side of the family( biological deadbeat father) has a history of cancer. Isn't that nice? /sigh
Let me tell you a little about me. Then you can make up your own mind about who you think I am. Let me preface this tirade with one thing. I do NOT think I'm the only person who has had to suffer some shit throughout their life. I'm just another person like you maybe who has. So if you get offended by my sob story go fuck yourself.
I got to see my parents fight with each other from about the time i was7 or 8. I can remember back that far but a week ago I can't remember shit from. Thanks Brain! I also got to see my mother become the alcoholic she died as. Lucky for her it was the cancer that killed her and not her liver giving out. I got to see my parents get divorced when I was 11. Thanks marital issues. This happens to be one of the reasons I don't personally believe in marriage. Thats another blog altogether. I got to make the choice, at 11, of who I wanted to live with and who I wanted to visit every other weekend. Thanks legal system. It was always Fun visiting my dad in Mahwah when he lived there. It was even MORE fun when My mother decided to move out and my father moved in so that didn't fuck up a young kid at all. Basically derailing his decision on who he wanted to live with. Nice going. That was probably when I started to shutdown emotionally for the most part.
I'm sure someone might say that started when they got divorced. Don't kid yourself ok. I knew why they were getting a divorce. I found out santa wasn't real by myself when i was 3 and found the gifts in the closet. I'm not a stupid person by any stretch. For the better I suppose. There was never any violence in the house when i was a kid. If I had to say I think I had an ok childhood. Halloween was always my favotire time of year. The whole family would get dressed up and trick or treat together. Going down the shore was also a big family thing. Always fun to be had. I can still remember the smell of the bathroom in the one house we rented. Some things you never forget. but why the most random things with no real situational emotion attached to them? lol
SO I live the next Few years with my father. I got to see him be diagnosed with http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rheumatoid_arthritis . He had his own contractor company that he supported his family with when we all lived as a family. He could no longer do that because of the arthritis. Once again Fuck You DNA. Wo we had to move in with my aunt and uncle and I got to share an attic room with my father during my first 2 yrs of highschool. I hut down more then because I couldn't have anyone over since I would have had no privacy. And did I mention that my grandmother lived there also. It was a nice place with a bunch of old people. My grandmother had diabetes so that was always fun. I think it came to a head for me when one thanksgiving they invited 2 of their friends over for dinner. 2 more old people. One of them, the woman, Nearly choked on a kernal of corn. I was done with any emotions from that point on other than laughter. No anger, no sadness. Just laughter. I love to laugh at things and comedians and funny movies.
When I say no sadness I mean it. Say what you will but when my mother died I was right there next to her head whispering to her that it was ok to let go. That she would get to see grandpa and grandma again and all of her other friends who had died. I counted the seconds between her breaths and watched her chest rise and fall with each one. Her next to last breath had 13 seconds between the in and out. The next one was her last. They say you can still hear when in a coma. She had breast cancer and it spread to her brain. It was stage 4. She died there, in front of me , with my sister my brother and 2 of her closest friends. Everyone but me cried. Some say it was the shock. I just saw someone die so maybe at that moment they were right. But by now, nearly 3 yrs later, you would think I would have cried at some point. Nope. I don't get angry at people, not like someone else would. I get annoyed yes but not ANGRY. no RAGE moments that burst forth. I internalize the emotion and let out just enough so that people know there is a problem. I worked at Best Buy for 2.5 yrs during the time my mother had been diagnosed and during some of her treatment. I worked with the same people for 2.5 yrs on a daily basis. None of them could even tell something was wrong
Skill at hiding whats bothering me? I don't know if I would call it a skill. But I was able to keep it inside when it needed to be. I guess I just never figured out how to let it out again.
So there is a little bit about me. There is a lot more dealing with school and how much fun that was and having to deal with a VERY good friends death in middle school. But thats yet another story.
See ya.
Michael Hanson
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