Ok, so here we go. Let me give you a little tidbit about MY history. MNy mother was diagnosed with cancer about 3 yrs ago. RIP mom. It was stage 4 breast cancer. Who knows how long she had it before she got diagnosed. She was a smoker and a heavy drinker since I was but a weeee lad. There are pictures to atest to this. Like the one of me in my brand new trycicle with her in the forground with a scotch in one hand and a smoke in the other. Whatever.
So she get diagnosed and goes through getting her breast removed and chemo. Loses a majority of her hair and has to start wearing a wig. ALL of this at like age 58 or 59. I dont' remember exactly. I have a tendancy to forget things that are painful to me. As do a lot of us I'm sure. I digress. She did all of this and the cancer went into remission. She of course had given up on life at this point and was just waiting it out. She never said as much but, she was my mom. I could tell. I loved with her, on her couch, for 2 and half yrs. Dealing with the alcoholism and smoking and general malaise regarding life and where she was. suks when you you see your mother, the person who raised you, give up.
She just went through the motions so to speak. /sigh. You try to get them to be glad they are in remission but it doesn't always work i guess. I would be glad it was gone for the time being. Glad i could live without ti hovering over me each and everyday with chemo treatments and medication. Not my mother. Mountain out of a mole hill so to speak. we weren't the perfect mother and son, we had our yelling moments. I loved her though. She was my mom. Mommy. Mother. The person who would put a bandaid on a scratch and tell me it would be all better in a little while. Tell me no to be scared of the dark because nothing was there that wasn't there in the dark that wasn't there in the day. The one who would make me macaroni and cheese ( my favorite food) when I wasn't feeling well. That's who my mother was.
I remember being ther , in hospice, when she was near the end. My sister, my brother and my mothers 2 closest friends were there as well. I remember taking a video with my digital camera of her cats and showing it to her. The coma she was in from the cancer wasn't total or so they said. They are supposed to still be able to see and hear. I showed her the video and promised I would take care of them for her. I remember whispering in her ear that it was ok to go now. To just let go. That she would be able to see grandpa (her father) and grandma (her mother) again. She missed her father very much after he died. My grandmother died of lung cancer.
I remember counting the seconds between her last few breaths. And then she just stopped breathing. She as gone forever. The person she was, everything she had ever done, was gone. Memories remain. My sister took it terribly hard. They argued and yelled at each other. But only because they cared about one another deep down and didn't know how to show it.
I write this because my sister has found a lump in her left breast. The same place my mother found hers. My sister has 2 kids. One is in college now, first semester, and the other is in highschool. It has me wondering how someone who believes in GOD can rationalize this kind of thing. If I believed in GOD I would curse it. But I dont' believe in GOD. So I wonder how long it will be before man manages to conquer his inevitable weakness in body and not be dependant on medications to cure sickeness.
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